A gut feeling..

You know the feeling.  The feeling deep down in your stomach telling you this might not end well, or you’re on the right path because you are given these little emotional and/or physical directional signs, or you start down a path and you get this pit deep in your gut.  It’s a gut feeling confirming your direction or waving the red flags to do an immediate U-turn.

A year ago this November, I began a journey because of a gut feeling.  For weeks, I denied the persistent nudge.  I reflect back on those weeks often these days.  The reason it took me weeks to dive into this 16^th century story based on historical facts is because I didn’t think that I had the talent to embrace the story to its fullest potential.  I was scared.  To create something, to put yourself out there, is the most vulnerable that I’ve ever felt.  To trust your gut feeling is not a risk, I assure you.  The only times I’ve had deep regret in my life is when I decided to go against my gut feeling.   I guess my entire delay was because I wanted a life, I wanted to have fun with my friends, travel and not have something always pending over my already fifty hour work week.  Yet, I could not resist a story.  I recall vividly, meditating to the universe… GOD… to please help me, guide me, show me the way. 

While I was in Asheville a couple of weeks ago, I had some spare time so I headed over to Malaprop's bookstore.  As I was there, they were moving tables and prepping for an event.  I found out that an author was speaking on his new published book; Gone In A Heartbeat. The author, Dr. Spector, is an oncologist that found himself having symptoms that no one confirmed or believed he was experiencing.  The symptoms were persistent, and Dr. Spector found himself in heart failure. Yet, during his talk what stood out was he second-guessed his gut feeling.  He goes on to say, “If I would have trusted my gut feeling, I might not needed a heart transplant.”  Some of his lasting words were, “Trust your gut, you know your body better than any physician.  It will not lead you in a direction that you should not follow.”

To read more about Dr. Neil Spector experience click on this link: https://lymeinside.wordpress.com/2015/02/07/gone-in-a-heartbeat-new-lyme-book-about-a-doctor-misdiagnosed/

So, this leads me back to my little adventure. I must admit researching historical facts can get so damn tough.  All the dates, people, dates and people, more dates and people with connections with more dates and people.  You get my drift.  I’m trying hard to trust my gut and follow the signs.  After hearing Dr. Spector, I completely surrendered.  This is my life.  I work fifty plus hours for one of the largest non-profits in Wilmington NC, I spend about twenty hours a week blogging and researching and any other time goes to my faithful companion, a German Shepherd named Haven.  There are rare moments with friends weaved within my weekly life. Yet, when I’m able to take the opportunity to be with them, I want to make sure that what I give them is quality verse quantity.

The past several weeks have been extremely difficult in my research.  I’ve received little response to my inquiries.  If I plan to meet my goals in writing this novel, I know I will be unable to participate with my friends in weekend getaways.  This adventure at times can be so exciting, but it can also be a pain-staking burden.  I’ve been researching Queen Elizabeth I, what a brokenhearted queen she was as she conquered Spain in one of the biggest battles in the 16^th century known as the Spanish Armada.  I’m sitting in my FlipKey apartment in Asheville struggling to find a sign to inspire my next in-depth, peel back, pain staking research avenue into another historical figure when I read this; “The 16th century replica ship will dock at Port City Marina in downtown Wilmington”.  For those of you that don’t know, the Port City is my home, Wilmington, North Carolina.  This replica is similar to the ships that played a vital role in the 16^th century. To further explain the importance of this 16^th century ship, some of my main historical figures, those that settled America sailed on a ship that was very similar, making this extremely important to my research. 

So, I’m sitting in Ashville NC, struggling to find a sign that I’m on the right path, second guessing my gut feeling, when out of the blue a replica of a 16^th century ship comes floating into my hometown.  I’ll take it as a swift kick in the gut that something magical beyond my control continues to occur.  So, I’ll continue to follow my gut feeling.

Why is it that we second-guess or worse ignore those physical signs that our gut feeling is trying to tell us?  I’m not sure, but I made a decision to pay attention to that deep pit in my stomach that has never led me down a wrong path.

Are you following your gut feeling? Believe me, you’ll know if you’re not!

Unbearable Loss

Have you lost someone in your life and it seemed too unbearable to face?  The loss of a relationship, the loss of a pet, the loss of a family member or the loss of a friendship.  As I sit writing this, I can recall the painful sting of watching a great love walk away, the decision of letting go of a pet after eighteen years, recalling the funerals of all four of my grandparents and a long-term friendship that needed to end in order to begin again.  It’s painful, it’s awful, it’s lonely, and it’s scary.  At the time you wonder, “How can I ever get through this pain?”  Yet, life’s mystery is the continued forward motion through unbearable loss that we all find ourselves experiencing on this human journey, if we've truly LOVED.

John White was one of the first Englishman that felt unbearable loss that this nation, known as America, was founded on.  It is a painful story to tell.

John White, an artist at heart and adventurer by day, found himself the governor of the first English Colony in 1587, known as the Roanoke Colony.  Throughout my research, John White was excited to take this leap in leading the discovery of a new life, a new world.  I can just imagine his words to convince his daughter who is pregnant, and son-in-law to pack up all of their possessions, leave a life they’ve only knew, for an adventure across an angry sea and the pending struggle to birth a new world.  Were they eager, were they scared, were they running from something, or were they just interested in starting over, building a new world far away from the politics of England’s rule?

Six months into the new settlement, struggle of day-to-day life was becoming overwhelming, and survival was questionable.  It was a perfect storm, a drought caused hardship on crops, uncertainty of friendly natives, and the pending starvation of colonist were on everyone’s mind. All historical facts in my research revealed a decision was made between the colonists and John White.  It was determined John White would return to England to gather additional supplies to sustain the colony. So, the governor left the colony, to return to England to receive much needed supplies.  What was not expected was the war that broke out between Spain and England, known as the Anglo-Spanish War.  Without much thought, Queen Elizabeth authorized John White to return to the colony with much needed supplies. However, due to the war, John White’s return voyage to Roanoke Island was delayed for three years.

What must have John White felt?  The agony must have followed him for three long years.  There was no way to get word back to the colonist.  It was war and John White found himself right in the middle of the sacrifices that were made for such greater causes.  The pledging he must have attempted. His worry was not only for the colonist, but also for his only daughter and his new born grandchild.  The nights he must have cried himself to sleep knowing that his failure to return would possibility have devastating effects.  The whirlwind of despair, the persistent praying he must have endured. 

I’m sure John was hoping his prayers were answered and somehow the small Roanoke Colony would’ve managed to survive.  Yet, all anyone found was an abandon colony, a dismantled settlement with only one clue.  It was the word, “CROATOAN.”  This word was found on two trees that would have been within the settlement.  CROATOAN was the name of a friendly native tribe that befriended the Colony.  John continued his search for his family along with the colonists he left behind as well as the Croatoan tribe, but his search turned up no further clues.

Three years after two failed attempts to locate his family and the colonist, John White died.  There is no record of illness or suicide.  Some say, “John White died of a broken heart.”  The unbearable loss of such unfortunate circumstances.  I could not even imagine the guilt Mr. White carried those last three years of his life.  Yet, some say, “John died knowing in his heart, his family was still alive even though no proof provided evidence of those assumptions.”

So, the Roanoke Colony became known in history as “THE LOST COLONY”.

It is rare to find individuals in the United States that truly know the unbearable loss and sacrifices John White paid to establish the first English Colony.   The birth of a nation came at a great price for his family, but it is because of those who were willing to take dangerous risks that our nation was born.  And it all began under the leadership of an artist, an adventurer known as John White. 

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What if there is another outcome for Mr. White’s family and the lost colonist?  Perhaps, his assumptions were right.  Maybe some of the colonist survived.  Maybe his daughter and grandchild did survive.  What if, the abandoned colony was discovered two years prior to the return of the broken-hearted John White?  It’s plausible.  It’s possible, because the research is pointing in a direction that would affirm Mr. White’s assumptions.

Viewing John White's original art of the new world at the British Museum in London.  

A Magical Connection

When you think of Magic, what comes to mind?  For me, David Copperfield, magician not the novel, is the first thought that comes to my mind.  When I was eleven, my parents took me to see David Copperfield.  It must have cost them a small fortune, but they took all three kids even though they were living paycheck to paycheck.  It was one of the highlights of my childhood.  Yet, I’m not talking about that type of magic.  I’m talking about the magic of creativity, the magic of the universe, the magic of miracles that happen right in front of us, but we’re too busy to see and most of all, I’m talking about the magic of connection. 

As some of you know, I’m researching the 16^th century hoping to find a unique story that will become a historical fiction one day.  When I began this journey almost a year ago, I prayed to the universe to assist me.  So far, the universe has led me down the most interesting and magical paths that are proving to be very fruitful.  Especially, the mystery of connection between a stranger and myself outside of London, England on a rainy day, three months ago.  Ms. Brenda, a complete stranger, eighty-six years old, literally opened the door to my research.  It was my second day in London; I took the train about an hour to St. George’s Church in Gravesend. 

I wanted to visit the gravesite of Pocahontas.  She is going to be one of the main characters in my novel. I arrived in Gravesend around noon, not knowing what direction to even walk.  I had a young lady assist me with finding the location of the church.  I’ll never forget walking through an outdoor market where crowds of people were shopping, when I first saw the steeple of St. George’s Church. 

As I turned the corner, an historic sign talked about Queen Elizabeth and a young Indian girl known as Pocahontas.  It was amazing to walk down the path and come upon the statue that resembled the same statue I’ve seen so many times on the grounds of James Fort, officially known as Jamestowne, Virginia.  I walked toward the statue, it was her, it was Pocahontas.

Due to a fire in 1727, it’s unknown where Pocahontas was buried on the grounds of St. George.  I walked around the church hoping to find a door that was unlocked.  Having no luck, I noticed a small stone under one of the windows, so I resorted to peaking in one of the windows for a better view.  I could see it, another exhibit inside the church lobby.  I was so excited.  I leaned in closer in an effort to read the display.  Yet, my reading was interrupted by an elderly voice.

“May I help you?"  I turned to see this sweet older lady that reminded me so much of my Great-Aunt Ruthie that had passed away many years ago. 

“Oh, hi.” I said, with a voice of a teenager caught doing something wrong.

“Can I help you?”  The sweet older lady asked again.

“Well, I’m from America.”  I said, stumbling off the stone that had lifted me up for a better view into the church.

“I can tell.”  She stated with a small smirk with her English accent.

“I’m doing some research on the 16^th century. I’m trying to get all the information on Pocahontas and the details around her death.  I know she was buried on the grounds of St. George’s Church.”  I was trying to sound like an adult and that I knew what I was talking about.

“Would you like to see the display inside the church?”

“Oh, yes, but I’ve tried, the doors are locked.”

She smiles, reaches into her pocket, “Lucky for you, I have a key.”

I’m not sure how Ms. Brenda happened upon that church at the exact time I needed her.  It’s a mystery.  It’s a magical mystery.  The connection between two strangers at a rare point in time, have ended up becoming pen pals.  Ms. Brenda continues to assist my research by sending articles and anything she feels might support my efforts. It is a magical friendship.  

It’s unconditional kindness that has come to mean so much throughout my research for this silly little novel. I guess it is true what they say, “It really is about the journey, not the destination.”

Ms. Brenda, I hope this research turns into something that makes you proud.

This leads me to another magical connection between my mentor and me.  She, too, is a stranger.  She doesn’t even know that in a huge way, she encouraged me to start writing again and to BEGIN the first steps toward creativity.  I’m talking about Elizabeth Gilbert.  She has inspired me to get into the creative arena and kick little ass. 

On September 22^nd, Liz Gilbert’s new book, BIG MAGIC, is available for purchase.  It addresses creative living beyond fear.  I’m really excited about this book.  In addition, I think Liz Gilbert is fucking amazing.  Yes, I’ll keep you posted; I do plan to hang with this lady one day and sing karaoke, perhaps in Italy.  

Here are a few links to check out my mentor, Liz Gilbert’s, works and words:

http://www.elizabethgilbert.com

https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz?fref=ts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc838mBhPO4

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/magic-lessons/id1018969048?mt=2

So, it is all about a magical connection.  It’s about kindness toward a stranger. It’s the magical path of positive energy.  This journey, so far, has been full of magical experiences that will forever be imprinted on my soul.

As you journey throughout your day, open your eyes to the magical human experience that is waiting for all of us to discover.